Shades of Loneliness....

I've usually been dumbfounded when people bring up negative questions, whether through innocence or malicious posing of mere questions. I seldom can figure out how to respond that doesn't get caught up in all the negative and endless talk, talk of pointing fingers, blame, looking backward to the past (and not to a better future) and all the rest.
Same applies when there is a conflict within myself. There are 2 voices within which keep the fight alive, a darker shade & a brighter shade of my soul, you can call.
Something similar happened this morning while traveling the long way to office in the bus. My friend who escorts me daily today missed the bus & I had to cover the whole “safar” alone is what made me little sad. I pulled out the book “A Thousand Splendid Suns” (currently reading) & turned to the page with the bookmark. I was done with only few pages, and felt dozing…. So closed it & rested against the seat.I did not fall asleep right away, somewhere I was conscious enough to feel that the other 2 places on the 3-seater I was sitting in was unoccupied. I could sense the emptiness captivating my mind. Then there were a series of thoughts which flashed.
/* Flashback begins ….
I had a peculiar habit of watching people who were asleep in the bus(trust me, its fun to see this & how people are funny), when I initially joined Infy & was not used to doze in the bus (I have now adapted to doze off, to sustain the long distance & cover up the sleep hours). ends…*/
A thought came over which started the dilemma in me.. What if a person who comes & sits beside me who does same thing with me.& now a dark sense captured me with some inferiority… As I am hare-lipped (Just like Hasan in KiteRunner), will I be funnier to watch. What if I am the fun-bone of the day? How do I look when asleep, does my mouth open & look funny? This question haunted me which did not let me fall asleep for a while.
Yes, I must say, I have passed all those phases of life when passer-by gives a strange look. When guys down-street did not let me to join their game.
I have gulped all those comments passed at me by crooks across the street.
I have overcome that fear of mingling with the crowd. (Thanks to those many who made me feel comfortable – my frens in college, Infy)
I always used to feel lost until I found someone who came up amicably to me & gave nice gestures on the first day at office.
But why did this thought come today in the bus, why was there a fight between my inner voices… One said why do you have to worry. While the other voice always pulled me down… into gloom of me not being gifted looks like others are by god.
Anyways, I don’t remember when I slept while the fight of inner voices was on…
Finally, I decided, perhaps there is no need to respond to negative and instead to refocus on dreams and ideas for the better, nothing less. If people want to state their dreams and idea for better, then there may be some thing that can be responded to. Until then, there are so many other positive and useful things to do. Though I pass the phase of life & cover the journey of life, some days go like this, just as I described above. All I have learnt in my experience of life with my weakness is:
I live by 3 things
1. Smile at your problems
2. Learn from experience
3. Help your self

My words :
The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what to hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope..

P.S: Whether I like it or not…all these seem to be just a faction of my deranged mind