Down the dark cloud...

When I was in school there was a tradition which I followed for sometime, I visited the temple.

On one particular Thursday, I did the normal routine; I noticed something pass-by me. Little effort it took to my intelligence, I found out that it was a funeral mass. While that was not strange, normally funerals had 2 alter boys or more. Then I realized that there was only the usual hand full of regulars. There didn't seem to be anyone from the deceased family.
(I seem to remember that it was an old woman might be wrong)
I stood by to look towards the grave-yard, there were even fewer people there and although I was only a kid aged around 11 – 12, A sadness came upon me because I thought that if there was no one to go to her funeral - was there anyone to visit her when she was alive.

That was about 12 years ago and that memory has stayed with me all this time. While it is an old memory, some thing like loneliness would always spark that memory.

I suppose that most people would think that loneliness mainly affects the elderly and while that is true for the most part I think that it covers any age and gender.

People can feel isolated when they are away from family and friends or from their normal surroundings. e.g. working abroad, studying.

I was listening to a radio programmed about the remote islands once and the topic of being alone came up. This woman that sounded about 50 or so was saying how her husband had died had her daughter, who was married had to leave the island for work and school for the kids. The woman was nearly in tears telling how lonely she was and that her daughter could only come once or twice a year. It would break the hardest or hearts, it brought a tear to my eye.


There is a distinction between loneliness due to emotional isolation and loneliness due to social isolation. Emotional isolation appears in the absence of close emotional attachment whereas social isolation appears in the absence of an engaging social network.

I haven't experienced a twinge of loneliness myself in a long time - but now when I am loaded with a heavy load of sorrows by life and another time out of the blue when I was left by my friend to pursue his dreams. Both lasted long & the latter being stretched.

People’s personality comes into it too. Some are perfectly content to be on their own for long periods of time while others are totally unsuited to it.

What do you think?

I know it is a bit heavy of a topic but some thing to think about?

Par shayad tum samjhoge nahin...

I have started to feel so in the recent times, i am being very concerned about this. I think, I am being ignored. Is it really the case, or is it just the way I am looking at things, donno. But I am getting that feel now. The very taste of being tipped off from some thing which was very close and which was very near.

This is totally an opposite one as compared to what I felt to the most honored credit that somebody had given me some time back. Dont have a clue as to what is the driving force behind all this which is making these changes. But the things have changed for sure. I know.

May be, the realisation of the facts to u would be more far than what I expect it to be. But eventually u wil be there, with the measure of height and depth of my true friendship. (actually u will not have measure of that even then). That day, I may not be here sitting next to u to listen to you.

As usual, the great Kishore has sung a few beautiful lines for this...

"Hamse hai zinda wafa aur hami se hai teri mehfil jawan,
Ham jab na honge toh ro ro ke duniya doondegi mere nishaan"

Shayad tumhe ek din mehsoos hoga ki how nice it is to express if you really care for somebody. I had my pleasure in that. Even though they all say it to be very filmi (which indeed is), but I dont mind. I express myself in all the ways possible to make sure they have some one who is atleast next to them during good/bad times.

Par shayad tum samjhoge nahin...

Shades of Loneliness....

I've usually been dumbfounded when people bring up negative questions, whether through innocence or malicious posing of mere questions. I seldom can figure out how to respond that doesn't get caught up in all the negative and endless talk, talk of pointing fingers, blame, looking backward to the past (and not to a better future) and all the rest.
Same applies when there is a conflict within myself. There are 2 voices within which keep the fight alive, a darker shade & a brighter shade of my soul, you can call.
Something similar happened this morning while traveling the long way to office in the bus. My friend who escorts me daily today missed the bus & I had to cover the whole “safar” alone is what made me little sad. I pulled out the book “A Thousand Splendid Suns” (currently reading) & turned to the page with the bookmark. I was done with only few pages, and felt dozing…. So closed it & rested against the seat.I did not fall asleep right away, somewhere I was conscious enough to feel that the other 2 places on the 3-seater I was sitting in was unoccupied. I could sense the emptiness captivating my mind. Then there were a series of thoughts which flashed.
/* Flashback begins ….
I had a peculiar habit of watching people who were asleep in the bus(trust me, its fun to see this & how people are funny), when I initially joined Infy & was not used to doze in the bus (I have now adapted to doze off, to sustain the long distance & cover up the sleep hours). ends…*/
A thought came over which started the dilemma in me.. What if a person who comes & sits beside me who does same thing with me.& now a dark sense captured me with some inferiority… As I am hare-lipped (Just like Hasan in KiteRunner), will I be funnier to watch. What if I am the fun-bone of the day? How do I look when asleep, does my mouth open & look funny? This question haunted me which did not let me fall asleep for a while.
Yes, I must say, I have passed all those phases of life when passer-by gives a strange look. When guys down-street did not let me to join their game.
I have gulped all those comments passed at me by crooks across the street.
I have overcome that fear of mingling with the crowd. (Thanks to those many who made me feel comfortable – my frens in college, Infy)
I always used to feel lost until I found someone who came up amicably to me & gave nice gestures on the first day at office.
But why did this thought come today in the bus, why was there a fight between my inner voices… One said why do you have to worry. While the other voice always pulled me down… into gloom of me not being gifted looks like others are by god.
Anyways, I don’t remember when I slept while the fight of inner voices was on…
Finally, I decided, perhaps there is no need to respond to negative and instead to refocus on dreams and ideas for the better, nothing less. If people want to state their dreams and idea for better, then there may be some thing that can be responded to. Until then, there are so many other positive and useful things to do. Though I pass the phase of life & cover the journey of life, some days go like this, just as I described above. All I have learnt in my experience of life with my weakness is:
I live by 3 things
1. Smile at your problems
2. Learn from experience
3. Help your self

My words :
The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what to hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope..

P.S: Whether I like it or not…all these seem to be just a faction of my deranged mind