Being me..

Radio Jockey(RJ) one of the passionate professions I dreamt to be on.. Did it for sometime during college.. My show on 91.1 FM used to happen every weeknight 9PM-12AM…The show I did was to ask the listeners of my show to drop in a SMS and I would call them back. Also just in case listeners wanted to leave a voice message 24/7, they hadto dial and reach out my IVR, speak their heart out and confess on what they wanted…this IVRS facility provided yet another platform me to connect with my listeners…and I realized that a lot of listeners started using the facility to reach out to me, may be they felt it more comfortable than a direct conversation. This is just like how you vent your heart out with a stranger exactly when you are unable to express the same with your loved or close ones.

One day, anonymous person had left a message saying that she is plagued with guilt about how she left her boy friend in lurch and got married to another…she kept in touch with her ex thinking she will try and ease out things with him, but realized that he was still not over her, and was insisting he would never marry another which made her feel even worse about things…for now she had changed her mobile number, but couldn’t help feeling guilty about the fact that even while she was with him, she never really explained to him why she would never be able to convince her parents about this relationship and why it wouldn’t work out..

This is such a classic situation…one thing I did not understand is that if people are already aware of such facts at the onset of a relationship and they know they won’t have the guts to stand up to their parents regarding their choice of a life partner, then why go along with the whole charade? or do we have a tendency to just leap into things, thinking jo hoga toh dekha jaayega [enaadru amele nodkoteeni]…I am thinking of the guy who must be left wondering what went wrong suddenly? How do you come to terms with the fact that somebody who professed to love you for a lifetime had suddenly chickened out and opted out of the relationship without even giving a proper reason? and the girl changing her mobile number must be another slap on the face…but maybe at that point it’s better for her to break all ties with him, and try to sort out things in her head…nahi toh agar aise hee baatcheet hoti rahi, toh samajhne samjhaane ke chakkar mein dimaagh ka dahi naa ban jaaye…[if not if the conversations continued, you would have gone insane]

As for the girl, I did not understand that it’s at times really hard to withstand the emotional blackmail that parents can put one through when they want their way…and sometimes it’s just easier to give in and surrender to their demands, and go by their wishes…but then you have to gather enough inner strength to let go of your past and start afresh, as like in this case, unless and until she stops thinking about her ex, and lets go of the guilt, she will not be able to give his 200% to her newly-wed hubby, her new life ,which deserves nothing but her best effort..

I hope she can get sorted out soon… can forgive herself for being weak, taking the easy way out and in the process hurting somebody so badly…and I hope her ex is also able to accept the fact that it’s over, and that its time to move on…can only try and imagine what he must be going through...
This is one incident I just reminisce for the days I spent as a RJ.

PS: tried out a different kind of narration to bring out some thought flow I was going through.
PPS: if you find it close to life, yes it is.
PPPS: Wanted to jot a story about this incident, bringing out the emotions involved in the situation. Somehow was lazy to narrate.

By My Side..

Save me from tears,

relieving me of fears.

For it matters my life,

with never ending strife.

Why are you so mean, 

allowing me to wean.

You wanted me to alight,

and make you feel alright.

Another day goes by,

without knowing the reason why.

Is that all you have,

me without any salve.

~Mohit

Everything but Mine...

She said, “You’re nice. The girl who gets your love is lucky.”
Then after a while, she showed him a picture, “He’s my man.”
And he said, “You know what? he’s luckier cause the girl I love loves him.”

Slowly, he broke down; tears fell from his eyes, his heart shattered into pieces, all the sweet memories played inside his mind. And like that he stayed while watching her walk out of his life with a note in his hand which read “Time has come where I should let you go, I’d let you believe that I fooled you. I know this would hurt but it would hurt more if you’ll find out that I loved you but I couldn’t fight for you.”

The clouds poured in to accompany him.. as his mind ran through myriad of feelings.. He always knew looking back on the tears would make him laugh. But he never knew looking back on the laughs would make him cry.

His friend once had asked – “Do you love her”
His answer, “Yes". He asked him again, "Does she love you?"
He sat down, looked at the stars, closed his eyes and said, “Wishes do come true, right?”

No matter how loud he laughed, he was still not happy. No matter how hard he would cry, the sadness inside grew. The more people love him, the more he felt empty.

Several months later...
He ran towards the only place of solace he knew after his office every evening, the beach, the vastness of waters before him, and the untrammeled vista. He kept walking along the beach, farther and farther, he himself not knowing where to.

He wanted to ask her, if she knew the difference between the two of them?

I trusted you that’s why I held on. I loved you that’s why I let you go. But you? You just left me without any valid reason.

What can he do that I can’t do? What can he make you feel that I can’t? Why can’t you feel that way for me too? What does he have that I don’t? Forget I asked. I already know. He has you.

I’ve already told everybody that I’ve moved on and that things are better off like this, that we’re just friends. But one thing I haven’t told them is that I’ve been lying all this time I can pretend and say I can let go of you. I can pretend to smile and laugh over the thought of losing you. I can say I can get over this hurt fast. But my heart can't pretend cause deep inside it’s bleeding.

I don’t hate you for breaking my heart cause I’m almost getting over you but I could hate you for making me fall once more cause I know once again, you’ll only be slamming my door. I tried to take away the pain by finding someone new but then I came to realize that no one compares to you. And even if I look around pretending not to cry, I’ll always go back to the day you finally said goodbye.

If all is fair, why did you hurt me so? If all ends well, why did you have to go? If happily ever after is true then why am I here crying over you?

Fairy tales usually start with “once upon a time” and end with “and they lived happily ever after”. But for us it’s “they lived happily ever after once upon a time” as he walked through the crimson dusk..


…Zindagi Migzara (Life goes on)

The Rising.. for..

We might face many difficulties, hardships and disappointments in our lives. Things do not always go our way. If we listen to the discussions of others and review our own words and thoughts, we find that many of them are complaints about how life is treating us. There is a bitter feeling.
Most of us have love for a small circle of people which includes our family and close friends. However, as we grow, our heart must expand to embrace society, country, world and beyond. The ultimate state of love is having love for the cosmos.
With my experience with UncleSam, for people here -
Water is thicker than blood; while for most of us in my homeland it is always blood which is thicker than water.
Water accounts to the social circle called friends and love for the nation and more subjective to being selfless. The blood accounts as me, my family and world around it.
I would like to quote an incident I read somewhere - During the Great Depression in America, a government representative travelled through some of the poorer parts of the country to provide financial assistance to farmers to buy seeds, fix their homes and run their farms. The agent came across an elderly woman living in a shack without flooring. She had covered the broken windows with tarpaper. She barely managed to survive. The agent asked: “If the government gave you 200$, what would you do with it?” The woman replied without hesitation: “I would give it to someone who is homeless.”
A different perspective would reveal to us how fortunate we are. I always wonder why people back home are centered on building villas and shutting down opportunity for helping others in need. What makes people take such rigid decisions to run a rat race of pride? Is luxury all in life? A nation which stood for values and ethics today has a very little to offer.
If we could accept the cloudy days with the same gratitude as we do the sunny days, we would find our lives to be filled with more love, peace and happiness. If we could appreciate the weeds as well as the roses, we would get enriched. Not only do we need to learn to be content, we need to expand our heart to embrace all creation.
No matter what happens to us in life, we have a fountain of nectar within us from which we can drink at any time. This is the gift we can achieve through our determination. These thoughts are something which keep me engaged of what I can do and how I could be of some help. Though it’s just a drop in the huge world around, I wouldn’t stop myself from expressing that I am awakened and would live for a meaningful life rather than just a self-centered life. With a ray of hope…

How I wish..

As Mother Theresa said The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.
I walk through oceans of shimmering blue and green, white foam rising and falling above my head. Creatures of thousands of colors dart past my eyes and disappear as quickly as they appeared. I continue walking.
Suddenly, the jeweled waters melt into rolling waves of people. Claustrophobic fear rises up inside me and pushes at my frantically beating heart. Looking around, I see no one I recognize, as this sea of faceless figures marches on. Oblivious to each other and the world around them, they only know their destination and their haste to get there. They stop. What am I thinking over...
Loneliness affects everyone at one time or another. Loneliness changes the way a person thinks and behaves. Seclusion can have various effects on a person. The person may become bitter and suffer from denial of the friendships that he needs.
Loneliness also can derive from several places within an individual. He will isolate himself away from others because he thinks they will hurt him, which may be true, but not in all cases.
Simple relationships and unconditional care could have prevented each one of us from going through awry situations. Loneliness has affected each person differently, but the source of why they changed is the same.
But somewhere my gut says you are lonely when you don't know yourself. We must realise loneliness is to express the pain of being alone. But there is solitude as well to express the glory of being alone.
That shouldn’t inspire a person to live alone as he will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts.
I want to be with people around, I want to socialize and edge those moments spent into my life’s notebook. I've got everything I need except a woman. And I'm not one of those men who think a woman is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone. Where are you, honey.. cross my roads???

Help me to get out of it my friends if I’m wrong…

Nothing Remains..

I don’t know how much you mean to me…
I don’t know how much you meant so far…
you were in my each moment…
you were in my each memory…

I don’t know what kinda wish is this…
I don’t know what irks me these days…
why these breaths have ceased nowadays…
and why these eyes remain moist …

I was sure that this was friendship…
friendship, and nothing more than that…
what kind of new pain is this now?…
why the heart seems so shattered these days…

love, my love, I can’t know why I never knew…
that this was love indeed…
whether you knew it or not…

love, my love, hoe come you never knew it…
that this indeed was love…
whether you knew it or didn’t…

each day’s morning used to start with you…
you were the tunes from the noons to the evenings…
and the nights were spent lying in your arms…
you were in my thoughts, whether in slee or while awake…

now that you aren’t there, nothing remains…

Age is the number and mine is unlisted. HB2Me

I seem to have been rather slow at the blogging thing recently, but one thing that I feel deserves a blog entry is my Birthday (11th Nov).
When the spotlight shines on the birthday person: I used to feel self conscious about all this attention, and now I’ve learned to enjoy it.
And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
On this special day of mine, I have some personal reflections for the year:
** A birthday is a time to take stock of my own life.
** I reflect on all the friends and relationships I have made, formed and renewed for the past year.
** I remember the events, happenings and people that have influenced me to help me become who I am.
** It’s also a time to literally and figuratively “smell the roses”.



My Birthday! What a different sound
That word had in my youthful ears;
And how each time the day comes round,
Less and less white its mark appears.


As Oprah Winfrey says - The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.

Age is the number and mine is unlisted.
Though I pass the phase of life & cover the journey of life, some days I don’t remember when I slept while the fight of inner voices was on…
All I have learnt in my experience of life with my weakness is:

1. Smile at your problems
2. Learn from experience
3. Help your self

As I turn the pages of life getting a year older, I just want to figure out what to hope for. And the most I can do is live inside that hope.

Happy Birthday to me.. Celebrations are on.. Join the party :)

PS: I couldn’t wear my new pair of clothes to office :(
PPS: Whether I like it or not…all these seem to be just a faction of my deranged mind
PPPS: Hope my Birthday gently breezes all the choicest of things and all that my heart holds dear

Exception Handling…

I know the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started.

How many exceptions are to be handled here in this life…
What ever you try is thrown as an exception thrown at you to be caught and handled…


try{
Push Onsite
}catch{
No country for old men
}
try{
Career Options
}catch{
Hard Luck
}
try{
Work Excellence
}catch{
No place for Emotions
}
try{
Appreciations
}catch{
Fall short of the Mark
}
try{
Certifications
}catch{
Better Luck Next time
}
try{
Appraisals
}catch{
Relatively ranked into 2nd Class
}
try{
Try Socializing
}catch{
Fake Empathies
}
try{
Manage Mentees
}catch{
Be ready CounterStrike
}
try{
Aspirations
}catch{
Expectations too high
}
try{
Friends
}catch{
Not Reachable
}
try{
Family Values
}catch{
Disturbed Mental Peace
}
try{
Fishing Soul mate
}catch{
1 Connection leads to another
}

The pain is unrelenting; one does not abandon, even briefly, one's bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes.
And I look again towards the sky as the raindrops mix with the tears I cry.

Teach me to pray for joy, for pity's sake -
I've suffered so much that I cannot bear
To think of future grief - give me some prayer
To murmur every day.

PS : Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when i wake up tomorrow?

Life Truism..

During my studies of a human nature, I discovered a great life truism...

"You cannot read in a bathtub forever, the hunger will drive you out!"

Its how you see..

Last spring I was walking in a park.

A short distance ahead of me was a mom and her three-year-old daughter.

The little girl was holding on to a string that was attached to a helium balloon.

All of a sudden, a sharp gust of wind took the balloon from the little girl. I braced myself for some screaming and crying.

But, no! As the little girl turned to watch her balloon go skyward, she gleefully shouted out, Wow!

I didn't realize it at that moment, but that little girl taught me something.

Later that day, I received a phone call from a person with news of an unexpected problem. I felt like responding with "Oh no, what should we do" But remembering that little girl, I found myself saying, "Wow, that's interesting! How can I help you?"


One thing's for sure - life's always going to keep us off balance with its unexpected problems. That's a given. What's not preordained is our response. We can choose to be frustrated or fascinated. No matter what the situation, a fascinated “Wow!” will always beat a frustrated “Oh, no”

So the next time you experience one of life's unexpected gusts, remember that little girl and make it a Wow! Experience.

The Wow! Response always works.

Shades of Loneliness....

I've usually been dumbfounded when people bring up negative questions, whether through innocence or malicious posing of mere questions. I seldom can figure out how to respond that doesn't get caught up in all the negative and endless talk, talk of pointing fingers, blame, looking backward to the past (and not to a better future) and all the rest.
Same applies when there is a conflict within myself. There are 2 voices within which keep the fight alive, a darker shade & a brighter shade of my soul, you can call.
Something similar happened this morning while traveling the long way to office in the bus. My friend who escorts me daily today missed the bus & I had to cover the whole “safar” alone is what made me little sad. I pulled out the book “A Thousand Splendid Suns” (currently reading) & turned to the page with the bookmark. I was done with only few pages, and felt dozing…. So closed it & rested against the seat.I did not fall asleep right away, somewhere I was conscious enough to feel that the other 2 places on the 3-seater I was sitting in was unoccupied. I could sense the emptiness captivating my mind. Then there were a series of thoughts which flashed.
/* Flashback begins ….
I had a peculiar habit of watching people who were asleep in the bus(trust me, its fun to see this & how people are funny), when I initially joined Infy & was not used to doze in the bus (I have now adapted to doze off, to sustain the long distance & cover up the sleep hours). ends…*/
A thought came over which started the dilemma in me.. What if a person who comes & sits beside me who does same thing with me.& now a dark sense captured me with some inferiority… As I am hare-lipped (Just like Hasan in KiteRunner), will I be funnier to watch. What if I am the fun-bone of the day? How do I look when asleep, does my mouth open & look funny? This question haunted me which did not let me fall asleep for a while.
Yes, I must say, I have passed all those phases of life when passer-by gives a strange look. When guys down-street did not let me to join their game.
I have gulped all those comments passed at me by crooks across the street.
I have overcome that fear of mingling with the crowd. (Thanks to those many who made me feel comfortable – my frens in college, Infy)
I always used to feel lost until I found someone who came up amicably to me & gave nice gestures on the first day at office.
But why did this thought come today in the bus, why was there a fight between my inner voices… One said why do you have to worry. While the other voice always pulled me down… into gloom of me not being gifted looks like others are by god.
Anyways, I don’t remember when I slept while the fight of inner voices was on…
Finally, I decided, perhaps there is no need to respond to negative and instead to refocus on dreams and ideas for the better, nothing less. If people want to state their dreams and idea for better, then there may be some thing that can be responded to. Until then, there are so many other positive and useful things to do. Though I pass the phase of life & cover the journey of life, some days go like this, just as I described above. All I have learnt in my experience of life with my weakness is:
I live by 3 things
1. Smile at your problems
2. Learn from experience
3. Help your self

My words :
The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what to hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope..

P.S: Whether I like it or not…all these seem to be just a faction of my deranged mind